did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize