i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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