The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
So. Much. Porn.
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