she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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