1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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