hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
