I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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