When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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