You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
