I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize