i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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