Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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