shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Randomize
