I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
