Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
