Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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