I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dear god my vagina.
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