i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Dignity is for republicans.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
