Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
