why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
