Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
