haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Randomize
