went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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