Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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