i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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