Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Small penises have feelings too.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
