i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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