remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
just come out here and I will go home with you...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
