I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
