if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
