I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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