Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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