My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Enjoy the penises
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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