Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
