Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
