she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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