Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
