Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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