Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
