Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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