There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
