I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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