Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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