Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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