When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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