anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
