just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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