So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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