Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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