so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
