my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
