i permit you to call me
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
