My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
