mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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