he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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