I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize