My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
