This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
