if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
